A little smile never hoyt anyone.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they
offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran
into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of
juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, wrestlers,
etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK," grabbed a lemon and
squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around
the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the
bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I'm a fund raiser for the United Jewish Appeal."
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says,
"Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!".
A couple preparing for their wedding meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about animal-style?"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Could lead to dancing!"
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.
"How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee
two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang
a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes,
"Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" says buddy-bee. The first bee peers
at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is
the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
AUNT IDA'S RULES FOR LIVING:
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. A bad matzoth ball makes a good paperweight.
11. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
12. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
only in Chinese restaurants.
13. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else to hear.
14. No meal is complete without leftovers.
15. The only good thing more important than a good education is a
good parking spot at the mall.
16. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never
17. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
Milk of Magnesia.
18. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
19. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
20. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
A Jewish man was waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen of
He was supposed to kneel and recite a sentence in Latin.
Comes his turn, he kneels, the Queen taps him on the shoulders with
the sword ... and in the panic of excitement he forgets the Latin
Thinking quickly, he recites the only other line he knows in a
foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover
"Mah nishtana ha-lailah ha-zeh mi-kol ha-leilot."
The puzzled Queen turns to her adviser and asks, "Why is this
knight different from all other knights?"
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers,"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
with food if you should call."
Jewish view on when life begins:
There's a big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the
fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates
from medical school.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given
a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says,"Go back and tell the teacher you want a
Have a sun shiny day!